


Gay and Disastrous

by Louie_writes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ISK, M/M, and pancakes, and peper spray, and some violence, but don't ask me how much, but like, enjoy, graphic depictions of early mornings, it has already happened, iwa-chan lives alone so htere is that, iwaoi being cute and caring for each other, matsuhana being sassy assholes and also being best couple, the isn't much so lik, there si pancakes, they are aged up a but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 13:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17044958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Louie_writes/pseuds/Louie_writes
Summary: You better not wake Iwaizumi Hajime at 5:37 am on a Sunday morning.Because he will be grumpy when he opens the door for you and makes you pancakes.





	Gay and Disastrous

It was 5:37 am on a Sunday morning when Iwaizumi Hajime heard his doorbell ring without stop.

 

Now there wereonly three people in Hajime’s life that would harass him at such an ungodly hour on such a holy day and not announce that they even expected to come around.

 

Hajime dragged himself to his front door, for one to make it stop ringing, and also because he secretly cared for which ever asshole wanted to ruin his Sunday.

 

Hajime opened his front door to find all three of them presenting quite a scene. Oikawa Tooru, his best friend since childhood, had a stoic face hidden behind sunglasses (both indoors, and also at an hour of the day where there was absolutely no sun to protect eyes from) and what must be an unholy amount of glitter. The glitter was also found on his clothes, a warm looking jumper that said “Gay Baby”, with long sleeves but cropped to barely reach past his chest, as well as on his perpetually perfect hair, and what was visible of his skin.

 

Matsukawa Issei, next to him, wore a smug grin, also covered in glitter, albeit not as much. He wore an oversized black tank top that just said “Guns”, showing off Mattsun’s admittedly nice guns, as well as his tightest jeans. Mattsun’s neck showed a hickey the size of Texas.

 

Next to Mattsun, somewhat leaning on him, was his boyfriend Hanamaki Takahiro. He wore a sweater so hideous, with a dress shirt so mismatched that it had to be a conscious choice. His shit eating grin could almost distract from his worryingly blackened eye, ironically as covered in glitter as the rest of him.

 

“How come whenever something disastrous and gay happens it’s always you three?” Mattsun and Makki grinned even wider, Oikawa didn’t react at all, which was weird, but it was too early in the morning for Hajime to read into it.

 

“All right, come in, I’m making you breakfast.” They may be assholes, but they were his assholes god damnit.

 

“Sorry for the intrusion.” Makki and Mattsun said in unison, not sounding sorry at all. Oikawa was still eerily silent.

 

Hajime went into his kitchen to make breakfast, “How many pancakes do each of you want?” he asked to room at large. The kitchen was an open space, so other than a few meters there was nothing separating Hajime’s cooking adventures from the three disasters taking seat in his living area.

 

“Five!” Said Mattsun.

 

“Six!” Requested Makki.

 

Oikawa mumbled something unintelligible. 

 

“Oikawa says he wants seven!” Mattsun translated for Hajime. Hajime turned around at that, Oikawa was awfully quiet, it was really quite worrying, but Hajime could see a comically excessive pout on his face, which was very Oikawa-like, so he let it rest for now.

 

“Alright, just stay put and don’t touch anything until I bring you the food.” Hajime said while turning around.

 

“Man, this is why I love intruding on Iwaizumi’s home life unannounced.”

 

“Word.”

 

Those voices were just a tad bit too sultry to be talking about food, and sure enough, when Hajime turned towards them he could see a matching sultry look on Mattsun’s face, as well as a shit eating grin on Makki’s. Given, Mattsun’s chronically hooded eyes may not do him any favours there.

 

Hajime knew they found him attractive, or at least they said they did, though they usually said it to tease him or make him uncomfortable. He looked down himself to see what they may have been commenting on. He was wearing his usual sleeping wear, a black t-shirt that said “Kiss the Ace” (a present from Oikawa), as well as tight fitting boxer briefs with nothing else. At least Hajime could understand why he was being cat called.

 

As he made the pancakes in the kitchen, he could hear muffledconversation from his living room. Usually when people talked there he would be able to hear it fine in the kitchen, but the guys must purposely keep their voices down for privacy, it did not sit well with Hajime.

 

Even mumbling, Mattsun and Makki sounded as lively and teasing as ever. Oikawa barely said a thing, which was a rarity, but what he said was high pitched and whiny, which very much sounded like him.

 

Hajime balanced four plates full of pancakes into his living room, he may never have been a server in his life, but he certainly had lots of experience serving these people.

 

“So where were you at this hour, dressed like this? It wasn’t pride, I would have known.”  _ I would have been there. _

 

“Oh Iwaizumi,” Mattsun answered, “the local gay club always has some sort of event going on.”

 

Hajime nodded, it certainly explained the get up, and the hour. “So what happened to you?” He was addressing the group at large, but Makki seemed to be the worst off, even though he wore the biggest grin.

 

“Well apparently you can’t be gay at your local McDonalds at five am without facing repercussions these days.” Makki said, but never wavering in his grin, however stuffing his face with an entire pancake as soon as he stopped talking.

 

Mattsun ate his pancakes like a reasonable person, so he continued talking. “After The Local Event finished we decided to get some burgers,” Mattsun said with a mouth full of food, “didn’t sit well with lil’ ol’ ladies trying to get their own burgers there.” He swallowed. “It started out all harmless, Makki and me were standing in line, waiting for our food, Oikawa was gone taking a shit.”

 

“Mattsun!! No need to be so vulgar, you deserved to be attacked like that!” It was the most Hajime had heard Oikawa say all morning, he felt himself breathing a little lighter. Though if that monstrous hickey gracing Mattsun’s throat had happened in public Hajime could understand how they attracted unpleasant attention.

 

“That’s tough coming from you. I see you haven’t eaten your beloved Iwa-chan’s pancakes yet, do you may haps need help eating?”

 

Oikawa looked shocked, even with the sun glasses. “Absolutely not. You are terrible at feeding.” Mattsun put on a shit eating grin at that.

 

Their bickering irked Hajime. “Why don’t you eat, Oikawa?”

 

His best friend looked at him, or at least his face turned towards Hajime, pouting in a very Oikawa sort of a way. “I would but I can’t see my damn food and I don’t trust Mattsun to not poke my eyes out with his fork.”

 

“Why can’t you see the food Oikawa?” The man in question said nothing. “Tooru.” He pouted harder, a mumbled ‘ooh, first names, Iwaizumi is pulling out the big guns’ came from Makki.

 

Hajime couldn’t wait anymore, it had to be something with the eyes. Carefully, he reached out for the sunglasses, noticing that they were the only part of Oikawa not covered in glitter, Oikawa turned his head away and crossed his arms reluctantly, that didn’t stop Hajime though, he had to know.

 

He took the glasses off, and saw a horrible sight, Oikawa’s eyes were red and irritated, he turned towards Hajime to glare at him, but whined at the action and quickly closed them again.

 

“What happened, Oikawa?”

 

“Nothing.” Oikawa mumbled quite childishly.

 

“Tooru.” The man wouldn’t budge, he was nothing if not stubborn.

 

“Our dear friend here was pepper sprayed by a middle aged lady.” Mattsun said, from next to Oikawa. Hajime turned towards him, and gestured to him to elaborate. “So me and my dear sweetheart here were minding our own business-“

 

“Bullshit!” It came from Oikawa, surprisingly loud compared to his previous mumbling.

 

“Alright, so me and Makki were very sweetly making out at the McDonalds line while waiting for our order.” Hajime doubted the innocence of their actions considering the size of the hickey as well as for the fact that he had known them for five years. “When this lady approached us about the ‘inappropriateness’ of our ‘actions’ and I think something about ‘burning in hell’ and ‘setting a bad example for her children’.”

 

“I couldn’t see her kids there, but I was particularly impressed by the way she hissed the part about going to hell. She must be part snake.” Mattsun nodded in agreement, Hajime was getting impatient with the lack of Oikawa involvement in the story.

 

“And?” He said, perhaps a bit too aggressively, though he wasn’t feeling sorry about that.

 

“Well, because we are, at the bottom of our hearts, massive shits, we were sassing at her and tried to argue”

 

“Yea, but she was getting heated and her words were getting bellow the belt-“ below the belt?  _ After _ the burning in hell? Hajime couldn’t quite follow how that worked, but he could imagine what sort of things his aunt would say that would probably fall under that category. “- And she got really close to Issei-“ First names again tonight, a severe matter indeed. “-So I tried to step in and gently persuade her into maybe being quiet.”

 

“Yea but her husband didn’t take that well at all and made to launch at Makki.” Makki proudly pointed at his black eye at that. It really needed to be looked at properly, but first Hajime needed to find out how Oikawa was involved in all this. 

 

“Oikawa, our saviour, came back from the bathroom at that exact time and tried to get in between the furious husband and I, but the woman already had the pepper spray in her hand and was taking no prisoners.”

 

There was silence among the group.

 

“Well, so in the end the McDonalds manager kicked us out for causing a scene, we never got our burgers, and we thought we might as well get free breakfast here.” Finished Mattsun. Hajime rubbed his hands over his face in agony, even though he was secretly happy that his friends saw him as a safe haven no matter the circumstances and no matter the hour. He briefly wondered if all those ‘team mom’ jokes back in high school weren’t actually too far fetched.

 

He looked up at Oikawa, who was still pointedly looking away and pouting.

 

“You are going to let yourself get fed by Mattsun while I google how to deal with pepper spray rashes.”

 

“I’m fine, Hajime.”

 

“You’re not fine!” Hajime caught himself again. “When I come back the pancakes better be gone.” Oikawa tried his best to glare at him through irritated eyes, but didn’t complain anymore.

 

Hajime went back to the kitchen for his research, he didn’t necessarily need to leave the living area, but he did need time to collect himself.

 

As he loaded a page that looked promising he looked back up at his friends. He saw Oikawa accept Mattsun’s gracious offers of bite sized pancakes with only mild complaining. Hajime smirked, it was good to know that Oikawa would always be a bitch baby no matter what.

 

Hajime got a container to start a dissolving solution in, the webpage had said 25% detergent and 75% water. He didn’t actually have the detergent they recommended, but he did have the hand soap so he got started on that.

 

He called Oikawa into the kitchen.

 

“First of all, did you rub your eyes since you got sprayed?”

 

Oikawa let out an unwarranted, exasperated sigh. “No, Hajime, it’s not my first time being pepper sprayed.” Hajime frowned at that. It wasn’t his first time? This had happened before? He didn’t know about this. Why didn’t he know about this? Weren’t they best friends?

 

Didn’t matter, first and foremost they needed to clean Oikawa’s eyes.

 

“Okay, secondly I need you to tell me how bad you’re eyes are hurting, so I know whether we need to lower the pain before we clean them out.”

 

“My eyes are fine, we can just soak.” After a pause Oikawa sighted again, as if in reaction to Hajime’s face, which he couldn’t see. “It hurts, alright? It hurts badly, but I can deal with a little pain, I’m not 16 anymore.” Wait, did this mean that the first pepper spraying had happened at 16? Why did Hajime not know about this. He suppressed his anger though, vowing not to bring it up before Oikawa could see again, so that there would be less of a struggle.

 

“Alright, then I need you to lean over the solution so we can clean your eyes.” Oikawa shrugged in his petty princess sort of a way, in an attempt to indicate that he couldn’t actually tell where the solution was, even though he was standing right next to it.

 

After some guidance Hajime got him to lower his face into the water, wait a bit, get back up, take a breath, and then go back in. The web site had recommended to do that about seven times to break down the oil that the pepper spray was made from. Makki and Mattsun, to their credit, took the time to do the dishes, and have a quiet conversation that Hajime could overhear but didn’t care about.

 

Once they were done with cleaning Oikawa’s face it looked significantly better. Still irritated and clearly damaged, but better.

 

Hajime took his face in his hands to inspect the damage. Oikawa could actually open his eyes now, even though he would blink more frequently than normally, which was understandable though.

 

Hajime remembered Oikawa starting to wear glasses by the time they entered their last year of high school, even though he had amazing eye sight in middle school. Did this have to do with the apparently frequent pepper spraying? Did they do lasting damage to his eyes? Hajime took a deep breath as to not lose his composure and just start crying on the spot.

 

“Next time you come directly to me, you understand?”

 

Oikawa smiled gently between Hajime’s hands, it was a good and honest smile. A rare one. “We came here directly, dummy.”

 

“You put up a fight though, didn’t you?”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“…Maybe.”

 

Hajime rubbed the others’ cheeks with his thumbs, but stopped again, considering the irritation. “Well, don’t do it again.”

 

“Aww, look at the happy couple having a moment.”

 

“It brings a tear to my eye.”

 

“Stay strong, sweetheart.” Makki was squeezing Mattsun’s arm in encouragement, and Mattsun was wiping away a fake tear. Hajime actually had to smile at them, even if he wouldn’t show them that.

 

Hajime stepped away from Oikawa and freed his face in the process. He was proud of his friends, over all. All chaos and fun. Unpredictable but adaptable, and no matter how tense a moment, Mattsun and Makki would find a way to make it light hearted.

 

They were a good team, the four of them.

 

“Thank you, Hajime.” Oikawa said, sincerely. Hajime was in shock, he didn’t know howto respond to the unexpected honesty.

 

“I- well- Uhh-.” He saw big grins all around him, that pissed him off. “You.” He pointed at Makki.

 

“Uh-oh.”

 

“‘Uh-oh’ indeed, I’m going to look at your face.”

 

“Yes, mom.” Makki said with reluctance in his voice, but none-the-less stepping closer to get his face inspected.

 

Hajime grabbed him by the chin and led his face around by that, adjusting it to whatever lighting he needed. It looked fine overall, badly bruised and swollen, it would stay ugly and sore for quite some time, but there weren’t any cuts, damage to the eye or the bone, so other than an ice pack or maybe some pain killers Hajime couldn’t really help.

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“Wicked.” His grin certainly looked it. Hajime sighed, his friends were tough as nails.

 

He turned to the last remaining member. “Did they do anything to you?”

 

Mattsun waved him off. “Nah, it was all over in a second, and I had two hard working human shields.” Hajime nodded in acknowledgement, even though it irked him that the tallest of the group was the one shielded. Though that was more of a principle matter.

 

He walked passed them to get a cooling pack out of the freezer, which was usually reserved for Oikawa, who would get punched on a regular basis by some fan girl’s jealous boyfriend.

 

“Here, that should help.”

 

“Aww, thanks mom.”

 

“Don’t test your luck, I can still kick you out.”

 

“Sorry, mom.” Hajime briefly thought back to all the years that he had known Makki to see if he had ever seemed sorry for anything. He came up empty.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank yall for reading, this little binch has been simmering for a while bc I felt it wasn't finished, But fuck it. Thanks again for MangaManiac for Bea-ing again and saving my life. Read their shit if ya'll into Kurotsukki agnst, is lit.
> 
> I hope yall had good fucking time and that you may be woken at an unholy hour to eat pancakes with some barely clad hot people, Louie out


End file.
